How much is enough?

It’s been a while since I had posted in here and frankly I’d blame it on the lack of motivation, countless times I’ve stopped myself and forced myself to write something for my blog, but I always turn back a few minutes in and get back to procrastinating. But that’s the thing about this blog, I don’t want to have to put material up in here because I feel like it is expected of me, that would defeat the purpose of the blog, which is to look for what I really am like, besides posting it on a set date, reduces the quality. With the first post in this blog, I might have got some of you all interested, but most of all, I think I got myself interested, at times when the other things in life are taking its toll on me and I forget a bit about myself including the fact that I have this blog, I get a like on this blog which I get notified of and come back and read my first post all over again and I realize that more than anyone else, it gets me interested.

I am only writing now because I feel inspired, today is one of those days in which I am feeling a lot of emotion, and I wouldn’t want to let go of this opportunity to write on the blog. It’s one of those days in which you look at the past and everything that has happened up until now and just try to play with the situations differently, imagine how things would have turned out if you hadn’t said something, if you maybe had said yes instead of no or even tried a little harder. Sometimes life blesses us with amazing people, but its funny, the world works in mysterious ways, once you gain some experience, start and end relationships, you start believing that everything is truly temporary. The same few people that are on speed dial may not even make it as a contact few years down the line, and it’s really hard to say who is at fault. Naturally, we all change as we live in different environments, get exposed to different people, some things that seemed so strange a year back could become  normal, but why does all this have to take it’s toll on relationships that you have with people.

People, even your closest friends can never be with you all the time, either you move on to a different place or they do, it would be selfish to expect them to base their decision on your whereabouts as it is highly unlikely that you would base your decision on theirs. But that’s the funny thing about distance, sometimes you end up missing them and you start getting closer or like what happens most of the time, you get stuck in this maze called life and find yourself with more tasks than the hours in a day can handle, you’ll have to give up on many things and more often than not, you chose money and not people, the love will be there but with no means to express it.

Over the years, I’ve made a lot of friends, non as close as the ones I’ve made in school, but living in a country that isn’t my own, almost all of us have ended up leaving to another place. I tried hard to forge relationships similar to those I made from school with the ones I’ve met, but I’ve failed terribly, in fact, I don’t remember how I made friends in school, it just happened, living with the same people for 15 years, you are forced to be with each other and you grow in to each other, with the same values and interests, and then you find yourself in college where you don’t spend as much time with your mates and the connection is a little harder to make. I felt lonely for a long time, I always missed school and the fun it brought, the friends I made will last a life time but college just seemed like a different level, I talked with people a lot but I never managed to make a good friend, I always found myself finding hard to keep conversations going, I look for a reply before even listening to what others had to say. Or maybe it is that I looked for people that had my values and my way of thinking which is almost impossible, needless to say, I never made a good friend.

What’s worse is that some of the friendships that were made in school, seem to be falling off, not that we hate each other or anything, but I can’t seem to keep a conversation with people that were closest to me. Almost as if everyone is changing including me, but looking too often at the past, makes my change a little slower leaving me far behind the rest. I try my hardest when it comes to people, if I notice things are getting awkward, I find myself digging deep in to my mind to look for something interesting to talk about, but I’ve come to realize, that sometimes even with all the flaws that I carry around, relationships won’t last if there isn’t effort from both sides, and sometimes it’s not my flaws that are too blame. I try hard with some people more than others, and sometimes I end up disappointing myself, I end up seeing all my effort go to waste, I’ve come to realize that you can’t end up making up for the love that they aren’t giving, you can try harder but there isn’t a point if you’re the only one trying and in these situations what you’ve done just may be enough cause anymore is just excess, you’ll end up only disappointing yourself.

The most important lesson I’ve taught myself is to not blame myself for the flaws that other people carry around, and even with all the wrongs that I try tirelessly to make right, all my flaws that I try and correct, not everything is my fault, not everything is perfect, and just the few people I am close to now, that maybe all I’ll ever get, but that’s more than most people ever get, and deeper than most relationships can get. So even though I look back every now and then, I don’t think theirs much wrong with my life, in fact I am more blessed than I think, but sometimes its nice to look back at the relationships you’ve shared with people and wonder what it would take to get it back to what it was.

 

 

 

 

Third Culture Kid

Before I begin on what I would like to think of as a diary of my life, probably not in chronological order, as I am unclear as to how I should document my past. Let me start by saying that I am a ‘Third Culture Kid’. It refers to someone who has spent the majority of his/her development years outside of his/her parents’ country. It may not seem that significant, but it has truly affected me in ways that I cannot even describe.

See, the first 18 years of my life I spent outside of my home country and when the time came to do my degree, I went back ‘home’. I am not sure however if I would call it home because home is supposed to be somewhere you feel comfortable, and I was definitely not comfortable. I knew this as my mind was not at rest.

Growing up in a country that is and does not feel like your own, is different in many ways. I spent the majority of my life in the Middle East. Most Middle-Eastern countries, regardless of how long you have lived there, do not issue you with a passport, unlike most other countries. Due to this reason, it felt like I had no idea where I belonged, back in the Middle East, I was referred to as a Sri Lankan, and in Sri Lanka, everyone thought I was a foreigner. It was as if I had no identity. Adapting to the Sri Lankan lifestyle by far has been my toughest challenge yet, and two and a half years later, I think I am still struggling with it.

The thing about where I came from was that I was never exposed to much. Life was very easy, For example; I never knew about any family issues, my parents tried to hide all the bad from me, even though realistically that was only going to last for so long. I have the utmost respect towards my parents for trying to show me all that is good in life, but it came as a shock to me to see a lot of what was happening in Sri Lanka. Some of the things such as “Arranged Marriages”, was a topic I thought of as being much lighter before I came here. I always thought that if a couple was in love, annoyed parents would give them time to get over it or try to come to a compromise, instead of instantly marrying them off to someone else if they did not agree with them.

One of the first stories I heard was about a young Teacher of mine who had found out that a girl he had been with for 4 years had previously been married for 2 weeks to someone else. I just couldn’t understand, how parents could marry their daughters off like that so easily. It has been a few years now, and he said although he is getting better, he can never get over her. The unfortunate thing though now is that after having stayed here for two and a half years, similar stories keep popping up. I’ve gotten used to it which is a disturbing thing to realize, as these stories don’t have the same effect on me as they did earlier and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. This is just one of the many things that shocked and affected me, to an extent.. (maybe I will write about the details of how it affected me in a future blog post).

This wasn’t the only aspect of my life that changed, I think what I have struggled with the most is making true friends. Back where I was raised, we were very different from the people who were raised here in Sri Lanka, although they are not bad, they are just so different. After the first rollercoaster of a year I had in Sri Lanka, I always prepared myself to be surprised. Luckily for me, a few of my friends from the Middle East followed the same path as me by coming back ‘home’ to finish their education, and I find myself to be most comfortable in their presence.

This blog is a way of finding out who I am, I guess. The purpose as to why I started this blog isn’t clear but I know it will benefit me, in some way or another. I’d like to think of it as a way of looking into my past, the future, and all the stories associated with it and how much it will change me. If you are reading this blog post, and wondering what to expect from future posts, then, I’d say many more events in my life and posts about my future. It may all change once it starts, but I hope you are there with me during my journey.. 🙂